Monday, December 3, 2012

To Work or Not to Work

I am somehow back at the same question I was facing when I first started this blog a few months ago.

I am contemplating going back to work again. But is it what is best for our family? Just two weeks ago I was telling my husband I am so glad I didn't take a full time job because I didn't want to miss a single thing that our daughter did. As I said this, I instantly felt guilty. My husband and I have an unusual schedule and life. We don't fit the cookie cutter family mold. The hubs travels for work at least 10 months out of the year and is gone on average 4 days a week. So for me to complain about missing a few hours a day, well, he must think I'm ridiculous!

And although I am currently labeled with the SAHM title, am I really? I am a registered nurse and pick up 12 hour shifts here and there, I'm closing down the business I ran for the last year, teaching 1-3 CPR and first aid classes a week, and studying to be a childbirth educator. So yes, I am home most of the time but I am doing a lot of things from home.

Our daughter is in Mother's Day Out 3 days a week right now so I can teach classes and what not. So would adding 2 extra days to her "schooling" hurt her because she isn't with me all the time? She loves her preschool and her social life. She would do more fun things during those times than she does here at home with me.

So why go back to work full time? Money... isn't that always a big part of working? We are in a slump because of me and the business I opened and am not closing. We also need a bigger house and would like to have another baby. We are getting by but we could do better.

I also think "I" want something...more. I'm not saying my daughter is not enough, she is my everything. But I, personally, need to feel I am making a difference and contributing to our family. I am not good at cooking or cleaning but I am good at teaching. I feel like I am constantly failing at this whole SAHM gig. I'm not crafty enough or active enough. All of the "wife" things that husband think they get (outside of sex) like clean laundry, food, clean house... I struggle so much. But yet, when I am busy and have a million other things to do, I do them without much thought. It's ironic that when household chores are my main responsibility, I can't do them but when they are lumped in with other things they are just something else to get done. Anyone else feel that way?

 I have never worked a 5 day a week job. I'm a nurse, I do 3 12 hour shifts that kick your butt but then you have 1 day to recover and 3 days to play. But now 12 hour days mean I miss the entire day with my daughter. It kills me to do the 12 hour shifts. I dread going, I count the hours once I get there, and then I can't get home fast enough.

The two jobs I have applied for (haven't even interviewed yet) are way better hours. One is teaching and the hours will either be 6-3 or 7-4, off all holidays, weekends, and summer. The other is a work from home position with the same company I already work for so it is a lateral transfer.

My heart of hearts wants the teaching position but the work from home sounds "dreamy". But with the work from home, I wonder if it will be more of what I am already doing?

Decisions, decisions, decisions. And who knows, I might not ever get a interview. Last time I got an interview and got offered the teaching position at the interview and was asked to start immediately. The stars weren't aligned then and it didn't work out for us and childcare so I had to turn it down. But now, if offered a chance again, I want to have my side of the stars worked out.

At least I'll know I gave it my best shot.
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