To Work or Not to Work

I am somehow back at the same question I was facing when I first started this blog a few months ago.

I am contemplating going back to work again. But is it what is best for our family? Just two weeks ago I was telling my husband I am so glad I didn't take a full time job because I didn't want to miss a single thing that our daughter did. As I said this, I instantly felt guilty. My husband and I have an unusual schedule and life. We don't fit the cookie cutter family mold. The hubs travels for work at least 10 months out of the year and is gone on average 4 days a week. So for me to complain about missing a few hours a day, well, he must think I'm ridiculous!

And although I am currently labeled with the SAHM title, am I really? I am a registered nurse and pick up 12 hour shifts here and there, I'm closing down the business I ran for the last year, teaching 1-3 CPR and first aid classes a week, and studying to be a childbirth educator. So yes, I am home most of the time but I am doing a lot of things from home.

Our daughter is in Mother's Day Out 3 days a week right now so I can teach classes and what not. So would adding 2 extra days to her "schooling" hurt her because she isn't with me all the time? She loves her preschool and her social life. She would do more fun things during those times than she does here at home with me.

So why go back to work full time? Money... isn't that always a big part of working? We are in a slump because of me and the business I opened and am not closing. We also need a bigger house and would like to have another baby. We are getting by but we could do better.

I also think "I" want something...more. I'm not saying my daughter is not enough, she is my everything. But I, personally, need to feel I am making a difference and contributing to our family. I am not good at cooking or cleaning but I am good at teaching. I feel like I am constantly failing at this whole SAHM gig. I'm not crafty enough or active enough. All of the "wife" things that husband think they get (outside of sex) like clean laundry, food, clean house... I struggle so much. But yet, when I am busy and have a million other things to do, I do them without much thought. It's ironic that when household chores are my main responsibility, I can't do them but when they are lumped in with other things they are just something else to get done. Anyone else feel that way?

 I have never worked a 5 day a week job. I'm a nurse, I do 3 12 hour shifts that kick your butt but then you have 1 day to recover and 3 days to play. But now 12 hour days mean I miss the entire day with my daughter. It kills me to do the 12 hour shifts. I dread going, I count the hours once I get there, and then I can't get home fast enough.

The two jobs I have applied for (haven't even interviewed yet) are way better hours. One is teaching and the hours will either be 6-3 or 7-4, off all holidays, weekends, and summer. The other is a work from home position with the same company I already work for so it is a lateral transfer.

My heart of hearts wants the teaching position but the work from home sounds "dreamy". But with the work from home, I wonder if it will be more of what I am already doing?

Decisions, decisions, decisions. And who knows, I might not ever get a interview. Last time I got an interview and got offered the teaching position at the interview and was asked to start immediately. The stars weren't aligned then and it didn't work out for us and childcare so I had to turn it down. But now, if offered a chance again, I want to have my side of the stars worked out.

At least I'll know I gave it my best shot.

Mommy Guilt Coaster

Last week was a crazy week. One minute I was up and the next I was down. And then add Mommy Guilt in the mix and it was the craziest roller coaster week ever.

We found out we had a couple grand in needed expenses. Then I got offered a job. Down. Up. Mommy Guilt.

I got offered a great job that seemed perfect for me. But in two days, I had to give them an answer, find childcare for my daughter, take a class the next week, and start teaching the next. It seemed crazy but it seemed possible.

I had so many emotions going through my head. I was looking for a sign. I thought I had had one with the job offer a day after I learned of some great expenses.

All the while, I had mommy guilt going on. If I go back to work I am putting work ahead of her. If I don't let her get to know other kids in daycare she is missing out. Oi Vay! No matter what I chose, I felt like I was losing or messing up someone else's life!

Any other moms experience that? I know you have.

I wish there was a a magic button to see which is the correct answer to your situation but there isn't.

I received 3 really good pieces of advice during that week, especially over the job option.

1. What is the right thing for your family situation today, next year, but today, with everything as it is?

2. Which option would you regret the most if you had to choose at this moment? Missing out on the job or missing out on moments with AG (my daughter).

3. Go with your gut.

It all came down to AG.

(I know a ton of moms who work and they are incredible women and I know that they love their kids more than life itself. So I am NOT saying that they chose wrong. They chose what works best for them.)

My thoughts that week were: I should show her a mom can work and still keep up with things at the house even though I don't keep up with things at the house now. I had the whole fall planned for us and now I have to cancel it. My hubby works away a lot so when he is home, I would be working. But then I would have an income. I could help pay for the debt I incurred for my business.

But I couldn't find childcare that wasn't more than our house note and that I trusted that had the hours we needed (at the time). Maybe I will find the perfect childcare soon. I just didn't have it when I needed it. I would regret putting her in a childcare I wasn't one hundred percent happy with. And that was my gut feeling.

I was sad about missing out on the job but at peace with the decision I made.

I hate when life gets in the way of life...but that's life, huh?!

What are some mommy guilt stories you have?