Saturday, September 21, 2013

Remembering Why I Started This...

It's been a year since I started this blog. I haven't been consistent at all. I lie to you and tell you I will write more frequently and then I don't. I have wonderful intentions. I constantly think of things I need to write about and even write them out in my head. But for some reason I never take the time to open my computer and actually do it.

When I started this blog, I was at a very weird place in my life. I wouldn't admit it to anyone at the time but I was in a very dark and scary place. The business I had started when my sweet daughter was just 9 months old had failed. I was just grasping the reality of it. She was also turning 18 months and time had flown by. It was by far the hardest year of our marriage: we both started a business our first year of becoming parents and he was also back out of tour so we were only seeing each other 2-4 days a week.

I was scared to sound weird or needy by saying I was in a dark place. I thought if I could just find an outlet, I could get better. I started writing and then would stop and start and stop. When I would finally complete something, I would think, "I should have done better." So this kept me from writing. I wanted to to be perfect not ok, I wanted awesome not average. But the truth is, I am new to writing. It takes time to develop these skills.

And it takes time to become a good mom, a good business woman, a good wife, a good parent. For some reason, I have no patience with the process.

At some point I'll share with you more about my dark place and how I got out and continue to dig out in bad times.

But today, I just wanted to actually write something. I started this blog because I realized last summer that every single decision I make affects the world. Maybe not in a profound way but it does affect it. And it hit my like a ton of bricks one night that what I teach my daughter and what she sees me do and what she hears me say will shape her whole life. And then she will go on to shape someone else's and the ripple affect is started.

Sometimes that just seems too much to bear to have that much influence so we want to ignore it but even it we try and deny it, the truth is that all of our decisions can make someone else's life better or worse.

We are all carrying the world on our hips as parents. It's easy to get overwhelmed (and boy do I get overwhelmed!) but we have to choose what is really important in those moments and focus on that.


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